I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
