yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
the condom got lost in my hair
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
