So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
