i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Randomize
