either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
