I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize