I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Randomize
