im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
