between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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