I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
