Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
