i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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