2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I lost the right to judge tonight
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
