can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
