Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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