I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
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