Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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