I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
