i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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