great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
