ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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