Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
