i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I could fuck to npr.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
