Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
