I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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