Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
she told me i tasted like america
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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