i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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