My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
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