You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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