My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
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