I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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