im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
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