We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
