The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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