We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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