Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
