I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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