I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
