Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Someone came in the potted fern
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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