Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
