I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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