just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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