meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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