Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
