I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
