I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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