I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
YAS. BRING CRAB.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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