Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
