I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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