let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
